Clarkson’s Army

25 Mar

Here’s a short story I tweeted a few years ago, presented in its original form.

In the end more than 500 farmers agreed to take part in the plan. They donned their Jeremy Clarkson clothes and masks, and brought the…

ready-to-hatch duck eggs into the warm and dark. Other members of the family were dismissed during that night. The volunteers sat in the…

warmth and darkness with their precious charges. Throughout that long night the little ducklings emerged from their shells. And who was the

first person they saw? Jeremy Clarkson, of course. Or “Mummy” as the little balls of fluff preferred to think of him. For the next few days

the farmers spent every minute with the little army of ducklings, ensuring they were completely imprinted. And then, at the agreed hour,

They climbed into their various landrovers and four-wheel drives and drove through the night to arrive at Clarkson’s doorstep at dawn.

Before they released the ducklings from their little cages, they donned 21st Century clothes and took off their Clarkson masks. Quickly they

ran from that place, as the agitated throng of ducklings began to quack with ever increasing vehemence “Mummy!”, “Mummy!”, “MUMMY!”.

A bleary-eyed Jeremy stumbled from his bed to his front door unable to identify the cacophony outside. As he swung it open, they, however,

were more than able to identify the big silly duck standing in the doorway. Mummy! To this day Jeremy Clarkson is followed by a horde of

ducklings who will fight to the death to protect him, their mother. Clarkson and his duck army.

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