On Epsom Downs

4 Mar

I found a file full of things I wrote many years ago. This piece was on a type-written sheet. I have no recollection of writing it. NB I have never been to Epsom nor its downs.

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On Epsom Downs

Epsom Downs is the place to go if you wish to study flora and sweet little fauna scampering about. I went there with my true love and we took microscopes, and a theodolite which never came in handy. Not long after our arrival we made up some slides of the stuff we found most inscrutable to the naked eye. It was a super really hot day, and the sun pumped down on us making us quite brown-naped.

The slides were rather revealing. I cannot go into detail, but suffice to say that we analysed cell structure, observed Brownian motion and witnessed micro-beings, each with their own micro-personalities. We saw a micro-vicar on a micro-bicycle – you could fit 200 on a pin-head. This PROVED to us that nature is stereo-typical and enabled us to conjecture as to the existence of a macro-vicar wobbling across the heavenly firmament on some sort of celestial butcher’s bike.

At one point we felt inclined to don stetsons and chaps as we watched an ant drive two and a half thousand head of aphid up the stem of some gorse. 

We enjoyed a simple lunch of earth and gravel, and then after some sunny slumber (during which we dribbled on our ponchos) we resumed this combination of work and leisure by measuring different lengths of things. We were often amazed by the similarity in distance between various carbon-based life-forms. 

Suddenly horses pounded past us, the riders resplendent in parti-coloured silks and wisely topped with hard hats. We fought har to hold back tears of rage as we saw one specimen after another trampled beneath the iron-shod hooves of those brutes. Later revenge was ours to savour. One chestnut mare fell hard by us, and while the rider gurgled non compos mentis face down in the soil, we prepared his mount for dissection on a slide.


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